Dan would call this an "article with not a lot of substance," I'd call it a DAMN GOOD TIME! In response to his AWL-based "Wombat Superheroes: X-Men" article, without further adieu, I present an NWL-based Wombat Super Villains: Spider-Man article! ... Are you still there? Good! Because I didn't sloppily paste our team logos on top of a poorly cut-out comic book character. No, I photoshopped the shit out of this, and may have opened myself up to a copyright infringement lawsuit or two in the process. Good thing Dan owns the website! Also, there's a new commenting feature on all posts, so hey, you know, maybe leave a comment telling me what a good job I did? Or better yet, leave a comment telling Dan that Jon did a way better job than him. Or leave a comment telling me to fuck off, the point is, leaving comments is an option! Choosing which super villain your team is assigned, on the other hand, is not… I know, rough life! NWL EAST:
Time Consumers - Sandman ♪ ♫ Sand Consumers, Sand consume me, consume meeeeeee ♩ ♬ Sandman possesses the ability to transform his body into a malleable, sand-like substance that can be hardened, dispersed or shaped according to his will. Also, he is able to increase his size and mass to an unknown extent by incorporating nearby sand into his form. Do you hear what I'm saying? This guy is basically unbeatable(5-2!) Why doesn't he get more respect!? Hence, the Time Consumers. A dominant team in the NWL East that doesn't always seem to get the same respect as the Two Starts, Crab Cakes, and Killer Pandas... it's ludicrous. Everyone knows, you can't sleep on the Sandman.
Kaidens Krew - Rhino 10-12-0 in 2015, 12-10-0 in 2016, and currently 3-4 in 2017. These aren't bad records, these aren't good records, these are Rhino records. Both the Kaidens Krew and Rhino have all the potential in the world, but they seem to end up with the raw end of things when the stakes are at their highest. Plus, someone had to be Rhino. Or Shocker. Or Vulture. Or Scorpion. Fine, fine, I gave him Rhino because he's tough to deal with. There, I said it!
Han Solo Shots - Mysterio If I think the Han Solo Shots are going to be a good team, they go 6-16-0 and finish 4th. If I think the Han Solo Shots are going to be a bad team, they go 16-6-0 and win the division. I don't know what's going on with this team, ever. They trade for Kershaw, they trade away Kershaw, they trade for Kershaw… is there a plan here? I'm not hating, I literally want to know how this is happening. You don't know what you're going to get with the Shots, which makes playing against them all the more frustrating and unpredictable.
Killer Pandas - Venom When bonded with a host, Venom becomes one of the strongest adversaries Spider-Man can face. When bonded with pitching, the Killer Pandas become one of the strongest adversaries the NWL can face. Unfortunately, both Venom and pitching seem to get separated from their host/franchise every other season. Nevertheless, entering the 2017 season the Killer Pandas had more regular season wins than any other team; making the match of symbiote and Panda a natural one. Oh crap, why didn't I photoshop a Venom Panda!?! NWL WEST:
Crab Cakes - Carnage An evil, barbarous psychopath who lacks any sense of morality? ...nailed it! Herculean strength(6-1 record,) shape-shifting(franchise-altering trades,) coupled with his innate depravity(every trade offer,) makes both Carnage and the Crab Cakes a force to be reckoned with. It also makes them untrustworthy, reckless, and clinically insane. This blurb writes itself!
Schatzy Turtles - The Lizard Matt Schatz is not a villain by choice... it was the fantasy baseball serum that made him one. The Lizard was one of the original Spider-Man bad guys, but after being beaten rather quickly and easily, he retreated to the sewers to one day make his triumphant(?) return. After making the playoffs last year, and being right in the thick of it this year, it indeed appears that the Schatzy Turts have made that triumphant return to the NWL. While the Turts have some super-human hitters on their team(2nd in overall team AVG,) their pitching staff may be an arm short...
Two Starts - Doctor Octopus Doctor Otto Octavius developed a four-armed laboratory apparatus to allow him to work safely with radioactive material, but when a radiation leak caused an explosion, the mechanical arms fused with the doctor’s body. Much like this legendary Spider-Man villain, the Two Starts also like to utilize as many arms as possible (4 Pitchers x 2starts = 8 arms! You're welcome.) Not only that, but with more NWL world titles than any other team, they need the hands to handle all that hardware!
Tommy Johns - Kingpin Kingpin first appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man #50 comic in 1967 as a mere mob boss, but he certainly didn’t stay that way. Similarly, the Tommy Johns started their franchise with two 8-14 seasons in the first 3 reasons, but things didn't stay that way, and they went on to win the World Series in their 4th year(Put a crown on it!) Kingpin started out as old-school as they come; much like the Tommy Johns in the early days with a lineup of veterans. But they've both since adapted to the times. While team and character may not always look as outwardly scary as others, they remain serious and legitimate threats, with the track records of achievements to prove it. Dead Characters/Franchises:
Legendary Mofos - Kraven the Hunter
Kraven creator J.M. DeMatteis claims none of Marvel’s editorial staff opposed the idea of killing off the character in the late ’80s. Despite this apparent indifference to the character, Kraven would go on to have one of the most memorable Spider-Man comic book storylines ever. Kraven tranquilizes Spider-Man and buries him alive. Once the webslinger awakens and digs himself out of the ground, he confronts Kraven, who doesn’t fight back. Instead, Kraven says his hunt has finished and subsequently commits suicide. Whether you're able to pull any metaphors out of that or not- Kraven was no doubt a legendary MoFo.
Power Bolts - Green Goblin The Power Bolts won the World Series in the first year of the NWL history- creating a lasting memory matched by the Green Goblin's murder of Gwen Stacy in the early Spider-Man years. Despite coming on strong and being an inaugural member of the league, the Power Bolts, like the Green Goblin, would meet an early demise. Perhaps one day the Goblin will rise again... and take vengeance on those who sought to destroy him. Or be totally cool and have no problems. Anything can happen in comics and fantasy baseball!